if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
