I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
