please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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