If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
