I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
