How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
