why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Come see our sink grown plant.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
