I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
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Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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