i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Your shirt... Was in my pants
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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