fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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