grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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