Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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