Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
