There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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