Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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