At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
