If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
