and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
