im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
