While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
