You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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