Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
