fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
what the fuck happened to the tacos
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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