You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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