the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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