just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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