halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
