I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize