: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
