Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
