i can't believe i had my finger in that
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
