you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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