the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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