my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
