I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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