i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
