I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
