The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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