who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
