I wanna bring you to show and tell
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
