Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
