i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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