My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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