A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
