I cockslap morals
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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