I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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