I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
