party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
