pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
