So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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