Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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