Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
