She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
