you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I puked a lego.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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