There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
