Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
